When someone close to you loses a person they love, it’s hard to know what to say. Here’s what tends to help, and what’s best left unsaid.
Most of us have been there. You hear the news, you start a message to them, and then you sit looking at it. Whatever you type feels like too little or too much, so you delete it and tell yourself you’ll wait until you’ve found the right words.
That hesitation comes from caring, not from a lack of it. But the right words rarely turn up, and waiting for them can easily turn into saying nothing at all. What helps most isn’t the perfect thing to say. It’s getting in touch, and staying in touch.
A short message is enough
Nothing you write will make this better, and you don’t need to try. A short, honest message is better than a long, careful one that never gets sent. Something like:
“I’m so sorry about [name]. I don’t really know what to say, but I’m thinking of you and I’m here.”
That’s plenty. They may not reply straight away, or at all. That’s fine, and it doesn’t mean the message didn’t matter.
Use their name
People often avoid saying the name of the person who died because they’re worried it will upset someone. For many grieving people, it’s the opposite. Hearing that name said naturally in conversation can be a comfort, because it shows the person is still remembered.
You won’t be reminding them of anything. They’re already thinking about it.
Offer something specific
“Let me know if you need anything” is kind, but it leaves the grieving person to work out what they need and then ask for it. That’s hard when they’re exhausted. A specific offer is much easier to accept:
- “I’m dropping round a meal on Thursday. I’ll leave it on the doorstep, so there’s no need to answer.”
- “I’m doing a big shop on Tuesday. Shall I pick up some bits for you?”
- “Can I take the kids on Saturday morning so you can have a bit of quiet?”
Practical help often means more than anything you could say. That might be walking the dog, giving them a lift to the funeral, or sitting with them while they make difficult phone calls.
Keep in touch after the funeral
Most support arrives in the first couple of weeks. Cards come, people call round, food appears. Then life carries on for everyone else, often just as the loss is starting to sink in for the person left behind.
This is when a message can mean the most. It’s worth putting reminders in your diary for a few weeks, a few months and six months on. Note the dates likely to be hard as well, such as their birthday, the first Christmas and the anniversary of the death. A quick “Thinking of you today, no need to reply” takes a minute to send.
Follow their lead
Some people want to talk about the person they’ve lost, often and in detail. Others would rather not talk about it much at all. Neither is wrong, and there’s no right way to grieve.
You don’t need to steer the conversation. Let them know you’re happy to listen whenever they want to talk, and just as happy to talk about something else.
Things to avoid saying
Some phrases are said with the best intentions but can land badly:
- “They’re in a better place.”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “At least they’re not suffering any more.”
- “Time heals.”
- “I know how you feel.”
These can feel as though they’re hurrying someone along, or making their loss sound smaller than it is. If you’ve said any of them before, don’t be hard on yourself, because most of us have. A simple “I’m so sorry” is usually better.
Keep showing up
It’s rarely one big gesture that helps most. It’s the small, regular things: a message, a visit, a meal, an offer to go for a walk, kept up over months rather than weeks. Grief doesn’t follow a timetable, and the people who make a difference are often the ones still checking in long after everyone else has stopped.
You don’t need to know what to say. Just keep being there.
If you’d like a quiet way to remember them together, you can light a candle on The Bridge of Lights with their name, their years and a short message. It stays on the bridge permanently, and you can share it with family and friends.