You might still be visiting them every week. You hold their hand, talk about the weather, hear their voice on the phone. At the same time, you’re already missing them.
This is called anticipatory grief. It can happen when someone you love is seriously ill, coming to the end of their life, or changing because of a condition like dementia, and you can see what’s ahead before it arrives. It’s very common, but it isn’t talked about much. That’s partly because it can feel as though you’re not allowed to grieve someone who is still here.
You are allowed. It’s a normal response to a loss that has already started.
What it can feel like
Anticipatory grief isn’t the same for everyone. You might notice:
- sadness or tears that seem to come from nowhere
- worry about what’s ahead, and about how you’ll cope afterwards
- missing the person they used to be, even while they’re with you
- feeling numb or distant, then guilty for feeling that way
- irritability, poor sleep or trouble concentrating
Some days you may feel close to normal, and others may be very hard. Both are part of it.
Why it happens
We tend to think of grief as something that starts after a death. But when someone is ill for a long time, a lot is lost along the way: their health, their independence, the plans you had together, sometimes even their memory of you. Each of those losses can be grieved, and it’s natural to start preparing for the biggest one.
Grieving early isn’t giving up on them, and it doesn’t mean you love them any less. Usually it shows how much they matter to you.
The guilt that can come with it
Many people feel guilty during this time. They feel guilty for crying while the person is still alive, for picturing life afterwards, or for sometimes wishing it was over. That last one is especially hard to admit, but it’s very common. It almost always comes from not wanting them to suffer any more, and from being worn out. It doesn’t mean you want them gone.
Having those thoughts doesn’t make you a bad person.
When you’re also caring for them
Anticipatory grief often comes alongside caring for the person: appointments, medication, conversations with doctors, and watching someone you love change. Doing all of that while grieving is exhausting, and it can go on for months or years.
If you feel drained, it isn’t because you’re coping badly. It’s because you’re carrying a lot.
It may not make the loss easier later
People sometimes expect that grieving in advance will leave less grief for afterwards. For some, the death brings a kind of relief, or is less of a shock. For many others, it still hits hard, even after a long time preparing. Neither response is wrong. If it still hurts, that doesn’t mean you didn’t prepare properly.
What can help
Nothing will make this easy, but these things can make it more manageable:
- Knowing it has a name. Understanding that this is a recognised, common experience can ease some of the guilt.
- Talking to someone outside it. A friend, a counsellor or a support group can help, as long as they aren’t grieving the same person and can simply listen. Many hospices support families before a death as well as after, and organisations such as Marie Curie, Dementia UK and Carers UK help people in exactly this situation.
- Making room for good moments. A good afternoon together doesn’t take anything away from how hard the rest is. You can have both in the same week.
- Saying what you want to say, when it feels right. Some families find it helps to share memories or say thank you while they still can.
- Accepting practical help. If someone offers to take on an appointment, a food shop or a few hours sitting with them, say yes. It makes more difference than you might expect.
- Looking after yourself where you can. Eating, sleeping and getting the odd break aren’t luxuries. They help you keep going.
Grieving now, and grieving later
What you’re feeling now is grief, and you may grieve again when they die. Both come from loving someone through a long and difficult time. There’s no right way to do this, and no right amount to feel.
When the time comes, The Bridge of Lights is here if you’d like a permanent place to remember them, with their name, their years and a few words from you. There’s no rush. You can light a candle whenever you’re ready.