Losing a baby, at any stage, is a bereavement. It might be an early miscarriage that few people knew about, an ectopic or molar pregnancy, a termination for medical reasons, a stillbirth, or the death of a baby in the days, weeks or months after birth. However and whenever it happened, that baby was loved, and the grief is real.
It can also be a lonely kind of grief. Other people may not know what to say, or may never have known about the pregnancy. Some parents feel they’re expected to move on quickly. Others find that, years later, they still rarely hear their baby spoken about.
Baby Loss Awareness Week exists partly to change that.
What is Baby Loss Awareness Week?
It began in 2002, when a group of bereaved parents in the UK marked the first Baby Loss Awareness Day on 15 October. The following year it became a week. Today it’s led by Sands, the stillbirth and neonatal death charity, with an alliance of more than 100 charities, including Tommy’s, Bliss, The Miscarriage Association, The Lullaby Trust and The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust.
The week runs every year from 9 to 15 October. It’s a time to remember babies who have died, to raise awareness of pregnancy and baby loss, and to push for better care and support for families. It touches more people than many realise: research by the charities behind the week found that half of UK adults have been affected by pregnancy or baby loss, either themselves or through someone close to them.
The symbol of the week is a pink and blue ribbon. Many people wear one, or light their homes in pink and blue.
The Wave of Light
The week ends on 15 October, International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, with the Wave of Light. At 7pm local time, people light a candle and leave it burning for at least an hour. As 7pm reaches each time zone in turn, the candles form a wave of light around the world.
You can take part in whatever way feels right:
- At home. Light a candle at 7pm on 15 October. You might say your baby’s name, sit quietly, or spend the time with your partner or family. Keep the candle somewhere safe, and don’t leave it unattended.
- At a local event. Many hospitals, hospices, churches and community groups hold Wave of Light gatherings. Your local maternity unit, hospice or Sands group may know of one near you.
- Online. Many people share a photo of their candle on social media with #WaveOfLight, so others can see they’re not alone.
You don’t need to have lost a baby yourself to take part. Lighting a candle for a friend’s baby, a grandchild, a brother or sister, or for all babies who have died is a way of showing that they’re remembered too.
If you’ve lost a baby
There’s no right way to feel, and no timetable for grief. Some parents want to talk about their baby often. Others find it too painful for a long time. Partners, grandparents, and brothers and sisters grieve too, sometimes in very different ways from each other.
Things many bereaved parents say have helped:
- Saying their baby’s name, if they had one, and hearing other people say it.
- Keeping something of theirs, such as a scan photo, hand and footprints, a blanket or a hospital wristband.
- Marking the dates that matter, like a due date, birthday or anniversary, in whatever way feels right.
- Talking to people who understand. Sands runs local support groups, and both Sands and Tommy’s have online communities for bereaved parents.
How to support someone who has lost a baby
If someone you know has lost a baby, it’s natural to worry about saying the wrong thing. But saying nothing usually hurts more.
- Acknowledge it. “I’m so sorry about your baby” is enough. If the baby had a name, use it.
- Don’t look for a bright side. Phrases like “at least it was early”, “you can always try again” or “everything happens for a reason” are usually meant kindly, but they can be very painful to hear.
- Remember their partner. Partners are often asked how the other parent is coping, but rarely how they are themselves.
- Remember the dates. A message on the due date or the baby’s anniversary, even years later, can mean a great deal.
- Keep showing up. Offer practical help, and keep in touch after the first few weeks, when support often fades.
Where to find support
- Sands supports anyone affected by the death of a baby, however recently or long ago. Freephone helpline: 0808 164 3332, or email helpline@sands.org.uk. Check the Sands website for current opening hours.
- Tommy’s runs a free helpline staffed by specialist midwives for anyone affected by any type of pregnancy loss, including pregnancy after loss: 0800 0147 800, Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm. It’s a non-urgent line. If you’re pregnant and have bleeding or pain, or your baby is moving less, contact your midwife, early pregnancy unit or maternity unit straight away.
- The Miscarriage Association, Bliss (for families of babies born premature or sick) and The Lullaby Trust (after the sudden death of a baby or young child) also offer specialist support.
Our Finding Support page lists more organisations and helplines.
Remembering, this week and always
Babies who die are part of their families for ever. Baby Loss Awareness Week is one time of year when that’s said out loud, but they can be remembered on any day, in any way that feels right.
If you’d like somewhere to remember your baby that stays, you can light a candle on The Bridge of Lights with their name and a few words. If your baby wasn’t named, some families use “Baby” with their surname. Their light will stay on the bridge permanently, and you can come back to it whenever you need to.