Christmas has a way of making absence louder. The lights go up, the adverts start, and everywhere you look there are reminders of togetherness. When someone you love has died, especially this year, grief at Christmas can leave you feeling as though the whole world is celebrating while you’re simply trying to get through the day.
If you’re dreading the first Christmas without them, you’re not alone, and there’s nothing wrong with you. Here are some gentle ideas that might help. Take what feels right and leave the rest.
However you feel is allowed
You might feel sad, numb, angry, or surprisingly okay, sometimes all in the same hour. You might laugh at a memory and then feel guilty for laughing. None of this means you’re grieving wrongly. Grief doesn’t take a break for the holidays, and it doesn’t follow a script.
You don’t have to keep every tradition
Some traditions will feel comforting. Others might feel unbearable without them. It’s okay to change things this year: a different place, a different meal, a quieter day, or skipping parts of Christmas altogether. Nothing you decide this year has to be forever.
Make a plan, and give yourself a way out
Uncertainty can make the dread worse. It can help to decide in advance where you’ll be, who you’ll be with and roughly how the day will go. Then give yourself permission to step away. Drive yourself so you can leave early, agree a signal with someone you trust, or plan a short walk in the afternoon. Knowing you can leave often makes it easier to stay.
Find a small way to include them
Many people find comfort in making a little space for the person they’ve lost:
- Light a candle for them at the table, or at a moment of the day that mattered to them
- Cook their favourite dish, or make the thing only they used to make
- Hang a decoration that was theirs, or one that reminds you of them
- Play their favourite song, even if it makes you cry
- Raise a glass and share a memory before the meal
It doesn’t need to be a big moment. Something small and quiet can mean just as much. For more ideas, see our guide to ways to remember someone who has passed away.
Say their name
Often, people avoid mentioning the person who’s died because they’re afraid of upsetting you. But for many grieving people, hearing their name is a gift. If you’d like to talk about them, let others know it’s okay. You could start by sharing a story yourself.
Tell people what you need
Friends and family usually want to help but don’t know how. A simple message can make a big difference: “I’d love an invitation, but I might say no”, or “Please don’t make a fuss, just check in on me.” People can’t read your mind, especially when they’re grieving too.
Look after yourself
Grief is exhausting, and Christmas can be busy, loud and long. Try to rest when you can, get outside for some fresh air, eat something nourishing and be gentle with yourself about everything you don’t manage to do. Getting through the day is enough.
If you’re supporting someone this Christmas
If someone close to you is facing their first Christmas after a loss, the most helpful thing is often simply to acknowledge it. A short message, such as “I know this Christmas will be hard. I’m thinking of you, and of them”, can mean more than you realise. Invite them, but don’t push. And if you knew the person who died, share a memory. It tells them they’re not the only one who remembers.
You might also find our guide on how to be there for someone who’s grieving helpful.
When it feels like too much
If the weight of it all feels too heavy, please reach out. In the UK, Cruse Bereavement Support offers free support on 0808 808 1677, and Samaritans are there day and night on 116 123. You can also find more organisations in our guide to finding support when grief feels too much to carry.
A light for them this Christmas
However you spend this Christmas, you might find comfort in lighting a candle for them on The Bridge of Lights. It stays lit permanently, so you can visit it on Christmas Day, or any day you’re missing them.
If your family is spread out this year, a memorial page gives everyone one place to light a candle together, wherever they are. Its free QR cards can sit on the Christmas table, so anyone who wants to can scan and add a light of their own.
Be gentle with yourself. You’re carrying a lot, and you’re doing the best you can.